This episode originally aired in November of 2021 and can be heard HERE
The theme music fades out, giving way (as per usual) to the buzzing of halogen lights. The tinny sounds of an old music box mix in with the whitenoise.
John:
Singing with the music to the tune of “The Girl from Ipanema” (Lyrics made up on the spot)
Jane:
Wow. Someone’s off key.
John:
Wha- how dare you! I sound very dainty, thank you very much! If you’re such a critic, then you give it a try.
Jane:
Do you like having unshattered windows?
John:
Uh… I guess?
Jane:
Then no. Beat What are you doing, anyway?
John:
Oh! I got this in the mail. And by mail, I mean it was left in my medicine cabinet this morning with a note that read “DO NOT PLAY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.”
Jane:
… And you played it?
John:
Immediately after finding it! I haven’t been able to put it down since. The song just gets stuck in your head, you know? A real earworm.
There is the sound of John scratching at his scalp.
Jane:
Right… I’m sure that’s nothing to be concerned about. Have you checked the REAL mail yet today?
John:
Yup. We haven’t received anything.
Jane:
Well, give it some time. We did receive a lot of stories, like, two weeks ago.
The metallic thunk of mail dropping into the boxes sounds
Oh! Guess it was just a bit late.
John:
I dunno, feels early to me.
Jane:
Maybe it’s neither. Kind of hard to tell time when there’s no sun and the clocks don’t work.
John:
Yeah… My watch has read 42:13 since we got here! Laughter that dissipates into a concerned sigh Anyway, what does our Mysterious Benefactor have for us today?
They open the door to the mailbox, and retrieve the papers from inside. Shuffling ensues as letters are properly delivered.
Jane:
Is this written on parchment?
John:
Long inhale, like he’s sniffing Nope! It’s coffee-stained to look like parchment! Hey, look! They’re wax sealed!
Paper is torn as John opens his letter, and begins reading.
"Bean Bag Bear"
Plink. The final thread had been cut and another doll had been put back together following “The test.”
“Well I think that about wraps it up for us, gang. As we can see no haunted activity from this doll. Which really is a shame I had such high hopes for it. But even after being put through the test we saw zero activity, so on the shelf it goes.”
Shi turned away from their webcam for a moment and faced the shelf positioned strategically behind them. On it sat dozens upon dozens of similar dolls, some made of fabric, sackcloth and others from porcelain. Almost all of them were antiques of some variety. 40 years or older.
To anyone else this might seem like an extreme amount of antique dolls, but for Shi it was just the spoils of their career. They had a semi-successful stint as one of the internet’s finest Haunted Doll reviewers.
“But hey if you liked what you saw maybe drop a like and subscribe. Your support means I can keep adding to my collection. The largest ‘haunted doll’ collection in the tristate area. Until next time. I’m not shi, are you?”
They pressed the end button on their bedroom live stream deck and took a deep breath. It’s true, they did have one of the larger collections even for people in the community of collectors. In the early days it was enough to just go to the thrift store and pull something with curly golden locks and china skin right off the shelf, but while their shelf thrives the one at the thrift store looks more and more bare.
They had tried online auction services but their haunted dolls were a little too on the nose. Every day hundreds of new listings were created for white light, dark spirit, protection charms, and that wouldn't be so terrible if they weren’t all dressed for the job they were trying to get. Every one of these dolls are in the best case, lightly singed, otherwise they have been dipped in black paint, had their eyes painted red, and decked from head to toe in pentagrams and demonic imagery.
Shi had one or two of these dolls on their shelf, but they never did well with the crowd. They could tell that the audience was getting a little restless of all the dolls that failed the test. If there was a living spirit in any of these dolls then surely they would exhibit some kind of response when their vessel was under attack. Surely if it were truly haunted it would object to having it’s limbs removed one by one, head first. Even Shi thought it was a bit cruel, but that’s why they take the time to sew it all back together again at the end of their streams. Sure sometimes an arm or leg or even head would be backwards after they were finished, but shi made sure they were at least in one piece. After all they were just dolls. Bits of plastic and fabric.
Shi sighed. They needed something new. Something captivating, but their options were running thin. In a moment of desperation they turned to the comments section of their uploaded clips. They had one of the more supportive audiences on the platform, but that didn’t stop the replies people left from being just absolutely terrible. Lots of people chiding them for being boring or just going on tirades saying that ghosts aren’t real. Those comments were more apropos than some of the others that just came by to yell about politics and just generally be mean. Occasionally someone would offer to send Shi their haunted dolls to review on the show, but Shi didn’t have a PO box set up and didn’t feel comfortable giving out their address to some randos on the internet.
“Hey, if you’re in the tri-state area you should check out Witchlake Plaza. It’s an antique mall out there and they have a pretty large occult section. Creepy dolls galore.”
This comment was surprisingly well constructed and the grammar was so good that Shi couldn’t help but think that this was an employee of the store trying to drum up some business, maybe get a shout out on the show. Not the best idea, but between that and another person saying they have something for Shi to review, with a link to a censored jpeg, Shi decided they’d take their chances with the antique mall.
Shi didn’t know how they had never heard of this place before. It was only about two cities over from their place, and from the outside it looked absolutely massive. A large sign said, Witchlake Plaza: Scary Good Deals. There were two floors. On the first floor was the traditional antique affair. Rows upon rows of furniture, clothes, and chotchkies turning yellow and brown like overripe produce.
The comment had mentioned an occult section, so that was the first thing they looked for. After a small bit of exploration they found it. It really wasn’t all that much to look at really. It was a small room set into the wall between rows of books and some booths selling war memorabilia. The room was dark and was lit dimly by some LED lights that radiated cool tones. Against one wall sat a bookshelf filled with an odd mismatch of things. A book on practical paegan spells, some history texts about Charles Manson, a couple of tour videos from some heavy metal bands, and a couple DVDs with Japanese cartoons on them. On the opposite end of the room was a large glass case full of taxidermied animals and medical supplies and prosthetics that claimed to be dated over a century ago. On an antique chaise lounge sat a gathering of about a half dozen ventriloquist dummies; most of which Shi recognized from various old television programs. Shi eventually found a small collection of dolls, and to Shi’s great disappointment, they recognized them almost immediately. They were coated in black paint and pentagrams. One of them had their head hollowed out and was now serving as a very dim lamp. A quick glance to the wall proved Shi’s suspicions. A business card with the commenter's user name a link to their online auction page was adhered to the wall with a bit of clear tape.
Maybe today was going to be a wash. Shi resigned themself to picking up some ragdoll in the back of the store and call it Clarabell or something. They had done worse for views before. Shi took a deep inhale of the formaldehyde containing the medical specimens and patted the head of a Charlie McCarthy doll on their way out.
Shi was about to make their way back to the front when they heard some scuttling coming from the bookshelves. In their periphery they thought they saw a small shadow dart behind the rows. Whatever it was, it was too small to be a child. Maybe the owner of the antique mall had a cat that liked to slink around the collected tomes. Despite their chosen career path, Shi would have liked nothing more than to give a tabby some scritches behind the ears. Maybe then the journey out here would have been worth it.
The rows of books seemed to get narrower and narrower, not just because the floor space was being taken up by miscellaneous stacks of books, but the distance between the shelves seemed to get smaller and smaller. No amount of going pspspsps seemed to yield any sign of a feline companion. In fact even the ambient music that was being played through the stores loud speaker was slowly fading down. The only noise that could be heard was the quiet coughs of an old man that were slowly getting louder.
After clearing one final hurdle of stacked books, Shi found themselves in a clearing. The room had plain grey walls and the only thing of note was a man standing behind an unfolded card table with a collection of six dolls arranged in a circle with a seventh located in the direct middle.
“Uh, hi.” Shi waved. The man looked up from the card table for a brief moment before nodding and then tilting his head back downward. Shi wasn’t sure if they should even approach the table. They felt like they were interrupting something they hadn’t been invited to. When they finally forced themselves to get closer to the table they could take a good look at the menagerie. To call it a collection seemed to be a bit of a stretch. There didn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason behind why these particular dolls were together at all. There was a single porcelain doll with a minor crack running down her left cheek. Another doll appeared to be handmade out of burlap, in fact Shi could see the words Feed and Seed running down the left side of the doll’s body. The others appeared to be much newer. Shi assumed that three of the others were characters they didn’t recognize. A soft bodied doll with the face of a wrestler printed on it completed the circle, and in the middle was a very small bear that had a tag hanging from its right ear. Shi recognized that one as they had gotten a similar one in a children’s meal when they were much younger.
The man cleared his throat and Shi’s eyes shot up. A cold wave akin to embarrassment washed over them, like they had been caught looking at something they weren’t supposed to.
“You look like someone who knows their way around dolls.” His voice sounded impossibly ancient and hollow, as if he had lost a part of himself years ago. “Most people who come around to my table are looking for a certain kind of doll.”
Shi eyed the man. Maybe he knew them and what they did. Either way it was clear to Shi exactly what he meant.
“Are they?” Shi said, gesturing lightly towards the circle on the table.
“Every one.”
“How do you know?” They were allowing themselves to be more skeptical.
The man pointed to the wrestling doll.
“Do you know who this wrestler is?” Shi shook their head. “This is Eric Devin. In the mid 90s and early 2000’s he was referred to as the coroner. He had millions of fans around the world, and the first owner of this doll was one of them. He would watch the matches as they would come on TV every week and would have this doll by his side to reenact his favorite moments. I’m saying the doll was his only friend, but I am saying that he and the doll had a very close connection. Much closer than the boy’s parents at the time. Wrestling would only come on on wednesdays, but the fighting in the house was an every day occurrence. They would lie in bed with their eyes closed listening to the sounds of shouting and glass shattering from the other room. They would hold this doll tight and try their best to hold back tears. One day they were sitting in front of the TV and they heard their mother yelling, ‘can’t you do anything right?’ Knowing that a yelling match was about to begin the boy grabbed the doll and ran out the front door. The sound of the door slamming alerted the parents that something was wrong, but the boy didn’t hear them calling for him to come back because he had run right into the street and was hit by a truck.
In my experience a few things are absolutely crucial to make something haunted. One, you need a spirit. Everyone is familiar with this part of it, but many don’t take into account the other components necessary. Two, it needs to have strong emotions attached to it. There are many haunted dolls and toys because children are just raw emotion factories. The third component is made with the thing, but it is essential to seeing any kind of change. Belief. If you think something might be haunted then you’re more likely to see spooky things start happening. If you don’t think that something is going to happen then nothing likely will. Some call it manifesting, but it’s just the power of belief.``
“Right.” Shi had to hand it to the man, he was a talented story teller, but most people who sell Haunted dolls for a living usually were. There is a sort of fiction that you have to buy into before you even begin to look for dolls that might work. And that belief thing; give me a break! That was just a fancy way of saying that nothing might happen at all and it’s not the seller’s fault. Shi had seen it a million times through online sellers. Some of them claim that it’s the terms of service preventing them from selling haunted items, but really it was just that they knew that their product wasn’t haunted and that people were going to be upset. Still, it wasn’t everyday that they were handed a story like this, and at the very least it would make for an entertaining bit of a live stream.
“Which one is your most haunted?” They just couldn’t help themself.
The man once again gestured to the table pointing out the bean bag bear in the center of the circle.
“I’m not sure something can be MORE haunted than another haunted thing, but the emotions tied up in this doll are pretty volatile.”
“What’s it’s story?”
“I’m afraid I only tell about the dolls I intend to sell, and this one isn’t going anywhere.”
He again gestured to the circle of dolls.
“Misery likes company and dolls are very sympathetic to strong emotions. These dolls are safe because they already have spirits in them, but if I were to have em around dolls that weren’t full then their intentions could spread. It wouldn’t be pretty.”
Obviously Shi was disappointed by this news. What a tease. This was the best lead they had in a while, so they weren’t going to leave empty handed.
“Fine, you know what? I’ll take the wrestling doll.”
They exchanged money, the man picked up the doll and quickly filled in the circle with the remaining five, and he turned to grab a paper bag to carry the doll out. When his back was turned, Shi deftly snatched the bear and slid it into their pocket. They hurriedly took the bag and rushed towards the exit worried that their little theft would be discovered quickly, but they made it back to their car and back home without so much as a hitch.
That night on the live stream they told the story about the antique mall and the man’s booth of haunted dolls.
“Belief is essential.” Shi eccoed the man’s warning. They closed the night by introducing the wrestling doll and proclaiming,
“I’m sure if we put this bad boy under the test we’ll see some interesting results. Oh and one more thing.” They slid their hand into their pocket. And pulled out the bean bag bear. The chat went wild with hundreds of people shouting that they had one just like it when they were a kid.
“Apparently this was the guy’s most haunted doll of them all, we’ll get to that soon enough, but for now” they plopped the doll down on the shelf so it could be seen in the background of the stream. “Thanks and don’t forget to subscribe!”
The wrestling doll went up on the shelf and Shi got themself ready for bed. When they came back, drying their hair, the bear was front and center on the shelf. They looked at it long and hard and the bear stared back with it’s shiny black eyes. Shi laughed. How could such a small thing pose any threat to them. They jumped into bed and pulled the covers up, but not before starting a spooky podcast on their cell phone.
They could feel their eyes getting heavy and they were about to drift off to sleep. They paused their audio so that they wouldn’t have to worry about it auto playing and missing anything. Even with the sound paused they could swear they heard something. They removed the earbuds from their ears and the sound was a little clearer. A light shuffling, like someone pouring rice could be heard coming from the shelf. They turned on their lights and stood up. The sound stopped. There was no sign of any living creatures that could possibly have been skulking through their collection. Dozens upon dozens of glass eyes leered at Shi, and right in the middle the bear stared intently. Shi closed their eyes and breathed deep. The sound began again. Their eyes shot open and the sound stopped.
There’s no way that something could be happening. That’s crazy. Unless. Shi could feel it in the pit of their stomach. Maybe, just maybe, something was happening to the dolls. They slowly approached the shelf and the sound started again. As they got closer the sound grew louder and more intense. At about a meter’s distance Shi realized that wasn’t the sound of rice being poured, it was the sound of beans being rubbed together. They eyed the bear who appeared to be vibrating wildly. They stopped and the bear stopped.
Silence.
Shi looked towards their computer set up for a moment. They had no idea how many of their viewers would be up at this hour, but this would make an excellent stream. As soon as they turned away the bear launched itself off the bookshelf. Shi jumped, after a few seconds of no movement they picked it up and put it back on the shelf. The bear didn’t wait until Shi was looking away before it flung itself off the shelf again. Shi picked it up, but dropped it again after looking into its eyes.
The plastic eyes that were once beady and black were now glowing a bright red. Shi took a step back. They looked down and noticed that their whole body was bathed in a red light. On the shelf hundreds upon hundreds of dolls all had glowing red eyes. Some were made of buttons and others were made out of wood or glass, but that didn’t matter as they glow drowned out any other features.
Dolls started hurtling themselves onto the floor near Shi. Some of the ones that were older or made of glass shattered on impact, casting shrapnel into Shi’s legs. One by one they came cascading down until the only one left on the shelf was the wrestling doll.
Shi tried to back away but ended up tripping over one of the dolls on the floor. They caught a glimpse of some of the dolls with their limbs sewn on backwards trying to right themselves and thought of all the times they put a doll through the test.
“The test. The Test. The Test.”
Through lips unmoving they could hear that word echoing from the many dolls that were now climbing their way onto Shi’s torso. They tried to shake some of them off, but their grip was too tight. Shi had forgotten how heavy some of these antique dolls could be. Large groups of them worked together to pin down their arms and legs.
“The Test. The Test. The Test.”
The bear climbed over the others onto Shi’s chest. It’s arm was curled around a shattered piece of a doll’s face that had become sharp and jagged. It raised it up over Shi’s neck. It paused. The test did always start with the head. Shi’s eyes widened and they sharply exhaled before the piece went cleanly into their flesh.
A few hours later Shi’s window slid open and a flashlight shone around the room. All the dolls were back in their proper place on the shelf except for the bear. The bear was just a short distance away from Shi’s hand. The hand itself was fine, save for the fact that the arm it was attached to was on backwards, so too were Shi’s legs and head. Shi lay face down on the floor in a pool of blood, but it was far too late to do anything about that.
The man pocketed the flashlight and pulled out a paper bag. He retrieved the wrestling doll from the shelf before picking up the small bear. He entered the way he came, through the window.
“Belief is essential, but sometimes not believing isn’t enough. Sometimes things are just out of your control.”
“Right.” A young girl had been looking at the man’s table in the antique mall for a few minutes now. Skeptical, but it was a great story.
“Why didn’t the dolls attack you?”
“Oh that’s because I don’t believe in such things. Don’t be ridiculous, haunted dolls. I don’t believe a word of that. Do you?”
Jane:
Nope! No, not at all! No way, absolutely not.
John:
I guess now would be a bad time to tell you about my collection? They’re going to be worth a lot of money one day-
Jane:
Cutting him off Right! Hey! At least you got that song out of your head!
John:
What so- oh come ON! Jane!
Jane:
In a tone that implies she’s not at all sorry Whoops! Sorry!
John:
Picks up singing his little tune again, which fades out and is replaced by the theme song.
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