Episode 8: Gniyned Park

This episode originally aired in September of 2021 and can be heard HERE

Episode 8: Gniyned Park

The theme song fades into calliope music, staticky over the PA system. Jane enters the hallway. John has set up a booth near the front door and is wearing full carnival barker attire.

John:

(Yelling) Step right up, step right up don’t be shy.

Jane:

John, what the H-E- Double Frick is going on in here, and why are you dressed like you’re a member of a barbershop quartet?

John:

Yes, you there. Care to try your luck?

Jane:

No.

John:

Come on. All ya gotta do is knock over these milk bottles and you win.

Jane:

JOHN! THAT’S WHERE THE MILK WENT? Now what am I going to put IN my cereal bowl?!

John:

Um… water? Said with emphasis, like this is obvious.

Jane:

Right, right, how silly of me. Anyway, what in God’s name are you doing?

John:

Isn’t it obvious? The carnival’s in town!

Jane:

What town? This is an apartment complex. And besides that, why would you be working for the carnival?

John:

In this economy I can’t not work for the carnival.

Jane:

Econom- John, we don’t pay rent and there are no shops anywhere.

John:

Come ON, Jane! Don’t be such a spoil sport. Just take a swing at it, would you?

Jane:

Resigned sigh Fine. But I am NOT paying for this.

The sound of crashing bottles plays, and after some shuffling and a weak cheer of triumph, John speaks.

John:

Congratulations! Here’s your prize!

Jane:

John… This is just your mail.

John:

Feigned surprise Well would you look at that. Guess I better open it.

John opens his envelope and begins to read his story.

"Gniyned Park"

Hello and welcome to Gniyned park. My name is Albert Gniyned and this park has been my passion project for the last 40 years. And I owe my success entirely to you, my loyal patron.

It’s hard to imagine, but over 40 years ago, our crews worked night and day to transform nearly 700 acres of tepid swampland into a tiny corner of paradise on earth.

Now naturally no theme park is exempt from its rumors. Kids these days love their horror stories. So, I’d love to set the record straight if I could.

Firstly, it is pronounced like need. I know it looks like it should be pronounced like Guh-nee-ned. Y’see I’m the son of immigrants and our family name was always a thing of pride for them, so I like to think by giving the park our family name I will be honoring them long after they’ve been forgotten.

Next, absolutely none of the skeletons on the pirate ride are real. We take great care to skillfully craft the most realistic and immersive experience for our guests, so while they make look authentic I can assure you that all of the pirate skeletons are nothing more than fiberglass and asbestos. However, all the skeletons on the tunnel of love are real.

For as long as this park has been opened there have been vicious, vile rumors that people have been disappearing from some of the dark rides. And to hear people so brazenly talk about it is hurtful and absurd. If they had truly disappeared from MY park no one would be able to remember them to talk about them.

A lot of people have called me a self made man. That I built my empire of joy all on my own. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have had the help of countless talented individuals, and I wouldn’t have half of the success I have today if it wasn’t for their sacrifice.

When I was just starting out I didn’t have a penny to my name. All I had was a business partner, a small one room office that we both slept in, and a dream. In that dream I saw a being of indescribable size and form. This being was made out of a darkness so inky and black, and yet its darkness shone brighter than the midday sun. I stared at the beast and the darkness looked back. The being didn’t speak for it had no reason to. It’s message was loud, clear and heavy. The message sat heavy in my brain like a boulder and my skull felt like the shell of a fertilized egg with the zygote of new purpose attempting to peck its way out. Black tendrils extended from my enthralling one and pierced my flesh. The pressure was the only thing keeping my head from splitting open and blooming like a beautiful rare swamp flower.

I awoke with a start to find my business partner standing over me with a knife in his hands. His breath was harsh and ragged as if he was recovering from running a marathon. I had scratch marks on my arms and face and skin and blood underneath my fingernails and it appeared as if my partner had similar markings. He raised his knife to strike at me and my eyes rolled back into my skull. I could see from myself and beyond myself. My eyes were not the sleep deprived white with red lines that I had for the past few weeks but instead an inky blackness that yet dared not to rival what the creature had shown me.

I can’t speak to exactly what happened next. When I came to my partner was gone. No body, no blood, no evidence of a struggle. His name was absent from the door, his desk and chair were nowhere to be found, his name was noticeably absent from all of our paperwork. For the first of many times I was alone.

I did not build this park and my empire alone. I had the help of many, many people who have been lost and forgotten to memory. For the few months after my initial vision I holed myself up in my office waiting. Waiting for his family, or his friends, or even the police to come and ask questions, but no one ever did.

I’ll tell you now that his name was Ed Stewart, not that it matters. As far as anyone is concerned there never was an Ed Stewart, or an Ali Mcguiness, or Joe Dawn, or any of the others that even I don’t remember. But my master does. He remembers every single one, and in many ways I am jealous. They are closer to my lord than I could even hope to be. They are with them and they are them. That’s not my duty. My glorious purpose is to be an emissary; a recruiter for its works are mighty and terrible and the world will be made aware in time. I am to my master the same as our meetable characters are to my park.

My grim master’s will is unknowable by the human mind. Any lone person would be driven well beyond the bounds of madness. Which is why this park caters in half truths. Our park is called Gniyned Park, but on the sign The G looks like a D, the P looks like a Y and the N looks like a splatter painted portrait of your father leaving home one last time before never being seen again.

Which brings us back to this resplendent park! A lot of guests love the circular design of the walking paths and how connected everything is, but anything more than a quick glance from above or closer inspection of the paper maps that we hand out to all our guests might reveal that it is in fact part of a massive summoning glyph. Now those that take the maps home with them won’t summon anything on their own. The surface glyph is incomplete. That’s why we have a series of tunnels running underneath the park. All of our cast and crew members undergo intensive reconditioning to unlearn the ways of the world and embrace the Gniyned lifestyle. They learn specialized hand gestures that may appear to be simply pointing, but are an integral part in the summoning. Their greatest duty is to entice park goers onto one of our many rides in the park. We offer thrills for everyone young and old, but some guests may experience the ultimate thrill of becoming one with my master. Oh to be so luckly.

The master was kind enough to grant me assistants in the park. Though they are born from methods beyond human comprehension and have been called by names to match, you might know them by other more palatable names like Woofy, Ferdinand and the other meetable characters. Unlike the countless number of civilians from the nearby towns that we employ through job fairs, college programs and seances; minions of my master look less than human. They are capable of bipedal motion, but their large heads mean they can’t move all that fast. Their flesh is soft and furry like that of an animal but their insides are completely hollow. They keep a vigilant watch through their non blinking eyes. After all I’ve been through, nothing should surprise me, but to my great shock some of the guests found them to be a cute and humorous presence in the park. Children in particular were drawn to them, running up and embracing them on first sight. The creatures will gladly hug the child back and through lips unmoving whisper dark secrets to the child. Many will find that they are not ready for such truths and start to cry; perhaps even develop deep seeded fears to others that look like my minions. Others will accept these truths and seek out more accursed knowledge. Now I may be the thrall of a dark overlord, but I’m also an American, and like any good capitalist I put them in photo op stations strategically through the park. They can still see everything in the park, but now parents can buy photos of their children with them, and “autograph” books in which they can inscribe glyphs that will follow those children through their whole lives.

Finally, I’ve heard tell that some people think our turkey legs are far too big to possibly be actually turkey, and instead must be emu or ostrich or some other large bird. And while we might play up the more macabre angle for our halloween events.

It’s turkey. A tom turkey specifically. They are much larger than the hens.

Anyway I think that about wraps it up for now. Oh, haha. I think the marketing guys would have my head if I didn’t bring it up. The Gniyned Resort offers many affordable internment opportunities for your visit to the parks.

Also stay close to your radios because Gniyned On Ice is coming to a town near you. Come see your favorite meetable characters carve it up on the ice. Aren’t they just full of hidden talents?

As always thank you for visiting please make sure you remember everything you came with and we hope to see you again soon. Por favor mantenganse alejado de las puertas

John finishes up reading his story, and the sounds of the apartment building-turned-carnival return.

Jane:

Ok yeah, but seriously, what did I win?

John:

My eternal friendship!

Jane:

Beat John, you are not just a clown you are the entire circus.

John:

This is a carnival.

Jane:

Ugh

John:

In barker voice Sorry, toots. No exchanges or refunds. You're stuck with me. For- ever!!

Jane:

Nooooooooooooooooo!

Fade out theme song plays

End episode.